This morning, was a big morning for me! I had an epiphany! Growing up every two years my mother would buy me a diary/journal; until I was old enough to buy my own. She said it was to express myself when no one would listen and so I did! by the time I was in high school I had five journals full! I have always expressed myself through words but, never understood the importance of this ability!
Were taught to grow up, do the right things; get your education (in my family more like-get your high school diploma), get a good government job and pay your bills! Being a writer was never a possibility-it wasn't a real job and so, it never crossed my mind. For 27 years my path was making the right decisions to complete all the tasks my mother required of me-writing was not in that path. In school, I would write papers for my friends! When they were down to the wire and needed a great paper in less than a day- who you gonna call- Crystal! And I always pulled it out! Writing has always made me feel free-like no matter what was going on or what would happen my words could change the world! I never thought about sharing my personal feelings with anyone however; I loved to write but sharing your most inner thoughts and inner emotions is something I was not willing to do. So, when it was time for me to think about what I wanted to do in life, being a writer was not on that list. I personally do not know one writer so, to vision what a writer's life would look like was impossible. And then there was Carrie-not rage Carrie; Carrie Bradshaw!
Watching her on Sex and the City brought professional writing to the forefront! You could actually afford to live as a writer; if you're a good one! I could buy all the Louis Vuitton I wanted if I found the right things to write about! That idea sparked me but, bills and life wasn't ready for me to drop everything and start writing so, I continued to work and complete the tasks my mother asked of me. However; with one heartache my entire life plan change and I had no idea where I was or where I was going. It was as if I woke up and finally smelled the coffee. I love my mother more than anything! She was one of my very best friends and we shared everything! She was everything to me; my mother, my friend, my pastor, my supervisor, my conscious and my happiness. A little to much right-Yea! We had one of those very unhealthy co-dependent mother-daughter relationships! And she lived her life through me. It sounds crazy to my friends and stuff because it wasn't like she turned me into a dancer and forced me to do a sport she but, it was the same thing; in a different way.
My mother's dream was to live a safe and happy life. Dreaming of having that great love; finding the perfect government job, providing for her family and living out her life until retirement! it was the perfect dream for her and it's the dream that we all have; as women. Normal, everyday women. Have friends, enjoy life; find that great love, move into a 2.5 bedroom house with a great outdoors. Have 2.5 children, a great dependable job, vacations once a month (or whatever) and live happily ever after! So, as her daughter, and since she couldn't fulfill any of her dreams - not for the lack of trying but, she just couldn't; I did! By 27 I was about 75% finish with the dream. Married, great government job, college degree, great social life, only missing the children and the home however; it was coming. We were in preparation mode and then the heartache and my life turned upside down!
It's crazy to describe but, growing up I was always searching for something; always wanting something bigger and better than I had or thought I could get. I never felt happy and made a lot of decisions that was stuuu-ppid! When my mother passed away, I had to think for myself. My thoughts were my own and the decisions I made weren't going to get approval from my mother. She was no longer there to affect how I decided to live my life or what move's I would make. The biggest decision I made after my mother passed was quitting that damn job! I never wanted to work for the government but, up until a few years ago I didn't know why. The only reason I ever thought about it or did it is because I knew it would prove security. It was the safe job that my mother told me to aim for. Are you suppose to accomplish all your dreams by 27! Or should you always aim for something greater! I choose to always aim for something greater! Not to search for anything but, to aim for everything!
My mother's dream was to small and it smoother me! I made all the wrong decisions because it wasn't the life I was suppose to live! I am a writer. I evoke change through my words and that is the life I am suppose to live! That is the tool that the Universe has given to me; my gift to share with the world to aim for world peace! I'm not running for Miss America but, I truly want World Peace!