Sunday, April 24, 2016

S-U-C-C-E-SS ?!?!?!?

There are over 100 definitions for the English word: Success, recorded in trusted text and numerous historical references.  To make matters worse, individuals within cultures and sub-cultures, all have different definitions for this word.  Even generations within a sub-culture or culture, have different definitions.  For my Mother and her generation; those who weren’t swept up in drugs or the “War on Drugs”; success to them was/is, securing a job, maybe a career  and playing the game until retirement.  For their children, my generation, success is doing something that pulls our heartstrings and sharing with family/friends.  Majority of the working class, do have great jobs; just the routine that, affects one’s entire lifestyle.  The life of someone who works is totally opposite from someone who, works for a living.

Webster defines success as (1) the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence (2) one that SUCCEEDS.  My little brother meaning of success, is getting a job, an apartment for his daughter, a vehicle and staying out of jail.  His meaning is similar to Webster’s, smaller scale but majority of the poor people, share this view.  A friend of mine, her definition to success steams on the success of her children, she is a stay at home mother, and she was destine to be a mother.  To her, success does not exist as of yet, her destiny is yet fulfill and is based on actions committed in the future by someone else.  If the universal definition of success is Webster’s definition, it explains the financial gap, in America.  How can one reach their destiny if they understand success, in the “wrong” way?  Success is wealth.  Majority of the wealthy people are miserable.  If success makes you bitter or self-conscious, why would, a poor person want to become a success?  Not me, never mind, I am going to stay in my regular job, in my regular life, with my regular problems.  I may not be equipped to deal with success, so why try.  Why take the big gamble, if you are going to lose anyway; to taxes, thieves, and missed managed by an ill prepared “YoU.”  Manipulators, drugs and the list go on and on.
       Why allow our definitions of success to translate to; you are only as good as the amount of property, money, or ownership you have.  If you create something with a successful outcome, ideally you will gain financial wealth and become a successful person.  However, the correct steps or tools used to accomplish the goals, where lost in translation and are now, obsolete.  Majority of us, on the rat race to “success” defined by Webster, lose ourselves.  Once you reach your goals, more come, more opportunities flow through.  Now, you cannot remember why you begin down this road in the first place.  The money now becomes a cause for the effect of losing family, turning away from good people in your life or neglecting yourself.  How many movies have we seen about, parents whom kids hate them because, while they live in a great house and can go wherever he/she chooses—he/she is never able to spend time with their parents.  The consent pressure to become the success you believe, is your destiny, turns everything around on you.  Your destiny becomes your downfall or, it was never your destiny in the first place.

Take this situation for example; of course, I have no evidence for this theory, other than faith and love.  Martin Luther King Jr. was born January 15, 1929—he shares the same birthday with a friend of mine.  He married Coretta Scott King, June 18, 1953; four years later a little further north of the Kings, Bishop T.D. Jakes was born, June 9, 1957.  On the other hand, my mother was born almost one month after Dr. King was murder, 4/4/1968.  My mother begins creating her family, not soon after Bishop T.D. Jakes begin teaching the faith of God in 1980.  Sometime before, January 30, 2006, Bishop T.D. Jakes visited with Mrs. King, in her hotel room and had a deep conversation with her.  Later that year, I found out I was pregnant with my first child, Lanae Christlan Bell; but soon after I got pregnant, I had a miss-carriage.  Six days ago, my mother-in-law gave me, Bishop T.D. Jakes book, Destiny; the irony of this specific incident is only significant with further explanation. 

After losing my daughter, I went into a deep depression that last, for almost ten years.  By the time Bishop T.D. Jakes, published Destiny, in 2015, I was out of a job, married but separated, mother less, one brother less and all self-esteem diminished—it would take me another year to reach the point where my destiny connected with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  You see, this book provided the validation that one, my mother could hear me, in heaven, and two faith is an amazing thing.  I embarked on journeys after my mother left and I was missing that validation, which we daughters tend to seek from our mother’s, consciously or unconsciously.  I asked her and The Most High to give me a sign, verify I am doing the right thing, in following my heart.  My mother came to me in a dream three days before I received this book and said “Crystal your answer is coming, pay attention.”  My question to The Most High and my mother all stem from, making the right decision in my life or questioning am I reading too much into the opportunities, signs and blessing?  The Most High would not give something to me, if I were not to use it.  Everything in me tells me I am right, so is this my destiny?  Low and behold, Bishop T.D. Jakes, gained some information to past along, in regards to one’s destiny.  He got his message from Mrs. King.  She explained her destiny was to be Martin Luther King Jr’s wife.  Martin was destine to be who he was, he was to die in that manner- to affect enough change in Bishop Jakes, that he reached out to Mrs. King.  Bishop T.D. Jakes was destine to teach and through his learning, he gave me to tools to understand what my destiny is and how, my definition of success came about.  Everything, in the past aligned for me to have this moment.  Martin Luther King Jr became one of the greatest speakers and public figures in world History, it was his destiny, and he later married Ms. Coretta Scott-King, which was her destiny.  Together the Kings created relationships, and connections with people of all kind, to promote unity, education, faith, family, and equality.  The Kings were a huge enough influence on Bishop T.D. Jakes, to the point where he sought out Mrs. King, before she left the earth and left with the courage and a message for me.  Eighty-seven years, this message was in line for me.  The book was wrote way before I asked the question; if that’s not destiny, I do not know what you would call it.

We have no control over destiny; we cannot create something, not meant to be.  Which leads me to my definition of success; my answer came recently-Destiny.  If we cannot change the past, cannot predict the future, how can we create a layout or a plan for SUCCESS, if we do not have the layout for Destiny?  Free will cannot be, when you understand that everything has a path, you did not just think to go to the Gym today, of all days.  

Monday, April 18, 2016


Dear Momma,

First off, I miss you deeply, your smile, your tone, your food, just you.  Every day I think about you, there is not a day that goes by, I do not think about you.  Think about where you are, what are you doing.  There have been days that I did not think about Aaron or Grannie but every day I think about you.  I think about your reaction to some of my recent actions, you laughing at some of the crazy things that have occurred.  I think about the moment I had my first child, I think about how you would be today, with Harmony; Troy’s daughter.  I think about, how everything you use to say to me has taken shape, I think about everything you taught me and everything you did not teach me.  I think about the last day I seen you, and how we always said, I love you and see you later and kissed.  It was so weird to me that we always did it but I never questioned it.  When you opened your arms, I fit like a glove.  I think about all the times you said, Crystal it is not the end of the world, you are going to grow into an amazing woman.  It will not matter what anybody says about you.”  I think about the time you taught me to wash up correctly, I know that sounds weird but you remember.  We were all rushing to go somewhere, Lydia and I in the shower, and then you came in to the bathroom and made us redo the wash clothes with soap.  You were like, “what yall washing with that little bit ass soap?” 

I think about the talk I needed to have with you, the words that needed to come out of my mouth, the pain that needed to heal but I truly believe that, that conversation would have torn us apart.  I could not see you any other way but, the way you made me see you.  I could not question the decisions you made because you would not have liked that.  I could not see the majority of my pain, in life, came through decisions or reactions evoke by you. 


My eyes where close, when Bruce molested me almost daily for a year. 
My eyes were close, when I would lay in the bed while you and Bruce had sex. 
My eyes where close when you did not require more of my father or yourself to provide better for us. 
My eyes were close when we lived in the trap house on Anacostia Road. 
My eyes were close when you tried to commit suicide and blamed it on your sister. 
My eyes were close when your latest boyfriend came on to me several times.
My eyes were close when you, went back to Bruce after we were taken from you; it may was not that long however; it was some time. 
My eyes were close when you wanted us back home so bad, to appease you and not for the better of us. 
My eyes were close to you living vicariously through me.  All my dreams where actually yours and all my happiness depended on the dreams you agreed. 
My eyes were close to your consent need to be important and paid back for coming into this world. 
YOUR eyes were close to the very, most important fact that; WE ARE ALL THEY WAY WE ARE, AARON DEAD, TOBAIS IN JAIL AND ME JUST NOW FIGURING OUT WHO I AM, because of you.  I know you are not the blame for our continued stupid mistakes.  However, you raised with a since of entitlement and the world does not work like that. 
My eyes where close when I was taking care of three households off one income.
My eyes where close when he took you out this world.

Claim to be

I cannot stand here and be the woman I claim to be and blame all of my hard times on you.
I cannot stand here and be the woman I claim to be and make you out to be a monster, too.
I cannot stand here and be the woman I claim to be and not forgive you.
I cannot stand here and be the woman I claim to be and not pull your cards, cause you always did for everyone else, boo. 
I cannot stand here and be the woman I claim to be and live defeated or take out my anger and frustration on you. 
I cannot stand here and be the woman I claim to be and never understand that we did not have a clue. 
I cannot stand here and be the woman I claim to be and not see the pain, anger, defeat, and stubbornness you held onto. 
I cannot stand here and be the woman I claim to be and not tell you how much I appreciate you!

       I can stand in all my accomplishments, in my struggle, in my gratitude, with my open heart, surrounded by love and blessings, testing my faith and baring it all, because of YOU!  A lot of things that are great and not so great about me, comes from you, some of it is engraved in me and some of it was taught; how can I not appreciate the people who made ME!  Before I understood my life’s purpose I could not understand why this life, I could not understand why I was born to you and George.  Nevertheless, as things became more and more clear, I understand, if I was not your daughter, I would not be as strong as I am, as dependent as I am, as outspoken as I am.  I would not have, had the pleasure to share and entire life with my big Bro; I would not know the amazing love of Most High, if my Grannie did not teach us.  I would not have the most amazing cousins, family, and extended family; I would not have known you. 

Nevertheless, I only have memories  

I still think about when we finally returned home and you took us to Sandy Point beach.  It was the absolute worst beach I have ever been to but we had so much fun!  Then as we drove back, people pulled over on the highway and got out there cars to watch the fireworks.  The highway was lit up; we were singing, dancing, and enjoying the fireworks. 
I think about, when I was pregnant with Lanae, you knew before me, 
I remember you not wanting to leave me that night, in the hospital, when we lost her. 
I remember sitting between your legs getting my hair done, every week. 
I was so happy when you finally gave me a perm!!! 
I think about, when we all went to the movies to see Jurassic Park; you were the only one who could have done that with 13-15 children but, we adored you!!!! 
I remember when you first meet Kodie he immediately ran to you and never left.
I think about how you bent over backwards to give me the best prom and graduation!
I think about cooking with you on Thanksgiving and Christmas; by the way, they have never been the same. 
I think about all the laughs we had, the time I made you watch Beaches and YOU LOVED IT!  J
I think about how you could not understand why I loved the Backstreet Boys but you got me there CD and a bunch of memorabilia for my birthday.  It took you a minute to find the stuff but you did. 
I remember the surprise movie trips or junk food binges.  The all night Martin marathons; you remember my 10th grade sleepover?  It was crazy and I still cannot believe Nicole put a dent in Grannie’s car. 
I remember when my first monthly friend came and I was in North Carolina, you cried when I called you.  You missed that one moment in my life and it hurt you.
What If?

The thought that never goes away, is the thought of what if? 
What if Grannie did not go, what if Charlita and Great Grannie did not leave?
What if Aaron confided in us; what if we could all get the chance to say goodbye?
What if I move on and forget you?  
What if I wake up one day and never think about you; or forget our memories; what if?
What if I could go back in time and un-break your heart?
What if you decided to have an abortion and never thought twice about me?
What if it was me and not you?

It could go on forever but, my life would stop and I have already lost enough, I do not want to lose time as well.  I write this letter to you, Mother, to heal my wombs, to tell you I adore you.  To tell you that I do not hold any grudges against you.  To tell you how much I appreciate the great things you taught me.  I want to tell you, you where my first love and we all adored you to the moon and the heavens and back.  January 20, 2014 was not to be the day you left me.  The last past two years has been the hardest time of my life.  You and I were like the gay version of Bonnie and Clyde; it was us against the world.  Nothing is the same and I cannot understand it all.  When I lost you, I damn near lost everyone else.  Our family is non-existing and it hurts like hell, not to be able to tell you.  There is so much that I want to share with you , so much that I needed to tell you, so much that I could not tell you but, you’re not hear anymore.  I wonder everyday did I make you proud, did I do the things you wanted me to do, and did I turn out the way you planned? 

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

I Have A Dream Too

Two scores and thirteen years ago, a wise American, wrote a speech, “I Have a Dream”.  Those of you that were in attendance, on this amazing day; standing at the feet of a great man, with similar goals; of freedom, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness; thank you.  Your presence allowed his speech to reach heights, never imagine.  As he stated in the “I Have a Dream” speech, it has become a “beacon light of hope” to millions of American’s, not just Negros.  Seven scores and thirteen years ago, Gettysburg, Virginia was addressed by, one of our leaders.  In that moment he demanded an ear, he expected more from us and required more.  He dedicated his life to making a difference and became a target, when he asked America to be the nation our forefathers created.  Two scores and fifth teen years ago, America’s favorite president gave a speech, at his inaugural ceremony, which still reigns true in some ways.  He asked that we not abuse our land; he asked us to stand up for right and defend liberty and justice.  He warned us of dangers lurking in the government and its surroundings.  He made us all feel equal and liberated, through his words.

The sad part is that after 142 years, America has not changed.  President Lincoln, asked us not to divide as a nation.  President John F Kennedy, warned us about the evils in our government.  He warned us to prepare for equality because a day will come when the next or future generation, revolts for a new revolution.  Martin Luther King Jr. gave us the faith and the tools required to emerge ourselves in true happiness and peace.  He told us, “…not to seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.  We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline…”  Today, I have a dream, a dream that demands action, a dream that branchs from all parts of our ever-changing culture and society, a dream bigger than you, President Lincoln, JFK, MLK, and/or me.  I ask that we take the, “I Have a Dream Pledge.”  Pledge to dream big, pledge to make a change where you are, pledge to be better than our ancestors.

I have a dream, that one day we will allow our forefathers dreams 
to FINALLY become a reality

I have a dream, that one day America will no longer hold hostage, 
countries for their beliefs and values.

I have a dream, that one day we will unite, in the fight for freedom 
and equality instead of pondering on those problems, which divide 
us and bares no importance to change or peace,

I have a dream, that one day we will no longer react or negotiate 
out of anger or fear.  However, no longer be afraid to react or 

I have a dream, that one day we will live in a nation that does not 
judge people on their, religion, skin color, life-style or 
disadvantage but by the “content of their character”

I have a dream, that one day we will have a rebirth of a new 
nation, based on principles of freedom—with a government of the people, by the people and for the people”

I have a dream, that we combine our faith and share it with one 
another.  Therefore, we can STAND together, pray together, fight 
together, and sing together, knowing that equality and freedom will 

Finally, I ask my brother’s and sister’s, of this great nation--black, white, brown and tan, since we have not truly accomplished those tasks required by our fore fathers or these great men mentioned above; do not ask what America can do for us, but demand of ourselves to join and win the fight for freedom of man.  I ask that we dedicate ourselves to the treacherous task remaining.  That we assure those who joined the fights of the Revolutionary, Civil, and the current Equality war, did not die in vain.  The demand for equality will continue to shake the foundation of this great nation until the fat “lady of liberty” sings out for justice and freedom emerges.  

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Find Your Truth

Today was not to be this day.  Today was not to give me the thoughts of ending my marriage and giving up on it all.  Thanks, to Yai; did not go there.  Waiting and waiting for the moment to alert the media or fill the presses, I have kept this story to a minimum however; it is eating at my soul.  Pain, hurt, disdain, lust, ANGER, SLOTH, DEPRESSION, SADNESS, broken, soiled, DAMAGED, RAVISHED, MANIPULATED, DISGUSTED, anguished and SORROW, are all the feelings, thoughts actions, that have replaced LOVE, LIFE, LIBERTY & HAPPINESS from my life.  Understanding the covenant Yai had with Joshua/Isaac, Joseph and Moses, allows me to NOW; understand, everything that has been put in my way and those things, I have placed in my own way!

The funniest thing, in life, is realizing the truth from fiction and not being able to move forward.  2011, was not just the year, the matriarch of my family died.  It was the year, MY ENTIRE WORLD BEGIN TO BLOW UP IN SMOKE.  My wife starting looking at You-Tube and she begin listening to Tarik Nasheed.  If you do not know who this person is, do some research?  She would tell me things but I was, sure, ok, mmhhh…  However, she never wavered.  As were talking one day; I remember the words so clearly; “All this shit, is blowing my mind, it’s like Christopher Columbus, all over again…”  I said, interrupting her “Christopher Columbus, what?”  I looked at her as if, she was a stranger; you know that look.  Not my Christopher Columbus; I was just at a cookout, for his Holiday.  She turns to me, “Um….You don’t know he didn’t discover America?”  My heart immediately stopped.  IT WAS NOT THAT HE DID NOT DISCOVER AMERICA; I MEAN THE INDIANS WERE HERE BUT IT WAS HOW SHE SAID IT.  As if to say, there is a lot of truth you do not know.  My heart was broken.  I did not do any research but it was forever ingrained in my head.  So when she begins taking Nasheed’s advice and using his information, to search for her own.  She ran across, “IN PLAIN SIGHT” and she showed it to me, I was astounded!

As everything in my personal life begins to fall apart, my world was falling apart as well.  I know for some of you, the news of Christopher Columbus, not discovering America; it is a shock wave but it was the package.  Moreover, how about, the Federal Reserve not being Federal anything; the bank, that takes our money, that makes our money, that insures our money, that loans us our money; they are not a part of the United States of America.  They have no affiliation with our federal government.  Not one part is associated with us as a people.  Our great president, Woodrow Wilson, said; himself – Now; these are his words, as he prepares to leave the office of president, which we put him in…  “I am a most unhappy man.  I HAVE UNWITTINGLY RUINED MY COUNTRY.  A great industrial nation is controlled by its system of credit.  Our system of credit is concentrated.  The growth of the nation, therefore, and all our activities are in the hands of a few men.  We have come to be one of the worst ruled, one of the most completely controlled and dominated government in the civilized world.  No longer a government by free opinion, no longer a government by conviction and the vote of majority, but a government by the opinion and duress of a small group of dominant men.”  Woodrow Wilson 1919.  The Federal Reserve Act signed by him and into America’s hearts, families, and lives in 1913.  Did you know that every incident that has brought America to the point of War has been a false flag incident? Pearl Harbor, the Gulf of Tonkin and oh, please do not think 9/11/01 is something different.  Iraq and Afghanistan is fighting us back, because, they do not know what is going on.  Do you know, the pictures and footage shown to Iraq and Afghanistan, of 9/11; did not have planes?  The people living in those countries do not know about terrorist.  All they know is our buildings were blown up.  The people in those countries watched how somebody destroyed our buildings, cried for our people, sent money to help our people; lost some people themselves but, they never knew that supposedly, THEIR people, hijacked planes and did that to us.  They do not know about the hijackers.  They have no idea about the calls to the airport authority; they do not know that planes existed, in reference to 9/11/01.  All this took place and as they felt sorrow for us in their hearts, WE went over into their country and killed their men, boys and children; FOR NO REASON!!!!  Please explain to me why, they would continue to say, they do not understand, if they understand.  IT IS NOT BECAUSE THEY DO NOT SPEAK ENGLISH!  THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THEY DID NOT DO ANYTHING.

Please understand I lost my mind as well.  I tried and tried to find evidence, were each part of the story made since but it does NOT.  No part of the story makes since; when you tell me that it happened as they say it happened.  All of this information was hitting me repeatedly, everywhere I turned the truth was punching me in the face.  Then my Great-Grand Mother died and out of nowhere, my oldest brother dies.  As, I tried to put my personal life back together, in 2013 I begin to read about my Black History!!! About the things, they did not teach us in school.  The Moors and real Egyptian Kings and Queens.  I stop saying no or I do not like it and I started asking, well; what is it?  I begin reading the Bible, researching, Islam and Judaism.  For two 1/2 years, not only had I lost huge components of my family, I lost all hope for humanity.  It rocked me to the core to find out that I am an Israelite.  I am Yai’s, descendant of Isaac and I had no idea.  The people that provided me with my history tell me that I came from savages of Africans, which were sole by my own people for shinny things.  Never told, I am a part of the original humans of this planet.  I am descendant of the God you all worship and used against his people for years.  However, Yai was not done with me, just yet.

No!  Yai had to show me just how great he is!  On my last breath of good spirits and greatness, he took my lifeline, my Mother.  Even with all this information, I STILL DIDN’T FEEL LIKE I WAS WORTHY TO BE THE DAUGHTER OF YAI.  I COULD NOT FATHOM THAT THIS WORLD IS HERE FOR ME AND I WAS MAKING A MOCKERY OF HIS GIFT!  He took everything, I could fall back on for faith; so that all I had was he.  If I could NOT believe in anything else, I could believe that in everything he IS.  I have become that crazy person, who rants about the world coming to an end.  On the other hand, always talking about how bad it is or how “they” trying to take over us and this and that.  Well I will be that crazy person; I will be that crazy person, with a clean heart, mind, body, and soul.  I will talk about the good, when there is some good.  When I can wake up and turn on my TV and no one died.  Not that people will not die but, the news is the only place that repeats and repeats; people are dying.  If the news in other countries were not so happy, I would not think ours is over doing it.  The same amount of people die, in other countries but their news is not, ONLY talking about death, danger, and terrorist.  All my friends that watch the news, to my amazement are more scary then I. There always, girl, it is going storm; or girl you know they were shooting over there last night.  Now mind you, I just left from around where they were shooting, yesterday. Of course, it is bad that everything is back to normal; much over, it does not seem like anybody died to me; random people are not walking around shooting people.  If you watch the news and believe the news, we should never be outside in SE.  The news had me so scared to walk through Congress Park when I was a little girl; I mean serious, ask my family.  That is the only time in my life, which I took the long way around.  It had me so scared, I thanked God my friend stayed on the corner, because I never would have went to her house.  However, one day, I walked through the neighborhood and it was just people.  I mean all the dudes were a little rough but that was because I would not stop and talk to them.  Nevertheless, it was just like any other place.  I was scared for nothing.  If they could do that to me and my house was literally two blocks from Congress Park; imagine what everyone else, outside of DC thought about SE.

I am not a preacher however, I find myself preaching because I need people to hear me.  If you doubt anything you have read, DO NOT JUST PAST IT OFF, LOOK IT UP FOR YOURSELF.  FIND YOUR TRUTH!!!!  Start here…