Wednesday, October 28, 2015

The Life of Addict

      I am an addict! I am addicted to anything that produces a chemical reaction in my body.

      From music to prescription pills; they all evoke some form of chemical reaction in my brain. This reaction from my brain sends signals throughout my body which causes effects such as, numbness to pulses electrically moving throughout the blood stream. This intense feeling has controlled my mind for years; always searching for the next high; the next big wave of electrical pulses. Before I could utter the high of prescription pain killers or experience the electrifying charge of a sexual organism, my high came from music!

      Such as the electrifying pulses that bang through your body when you first hear the piano in Maze Ft. Frankie Beverly, ‘We are One” – or the boom in your chess when you hear Biggie “Big Poppa” – or the tingle down your spine when you hear Chaka “Through the Fire”. My first hit of music had me hooked. Spending countless hours, just listening to music – all different kinds, experiencing the countless chills and electric pulses made me yearn for more and more. And soon when that high no longer electrified me; I had to find something different. As my brain searched for higher pulses the music was no longer creating; alcohol came into play.

     The burn from the alcohol going down into my chest first made my brain scream but, then it stopped hurting! Alcohol didn’t send electrical pulses throughout my body; it made everything numb to pulses from the exterior.  Once I felt nothing, it was a wrap. I could dance all night long, say things without regret and feel like the Hulk, the entire time – no high was better than feeling nothing. It was almost, as if I became invisible, no need to get high; what’s that? As with everything else synthetic, it wore off and coming from out of the liquid darkness – sent my body on a liquid frenzy! Liquid, literally comes out of every place with a whole; ass, mouth, pussy, ears, nose…etc. The after affect, caused me to step back from the alcohol. Which opened me up to this new thing; organisms.

     It’s the most indescribable feeling, one has. Being that I was introduced to sex, too early and improper; my curiosity sent me to give myself, my first organism. Time stops, everything stops in an instant; tingling inside my bones begin from my feet and works its way up; my heart starts racing and then it fills me up! As soon as the tingling reaches my brain – I EXPLODE! Sounds come back, I gain consciousness and my body shakes. My mind now craved that feeling. I wanted it morning, noon and night. In the quests for the best organism ever, I found Mary-Jane!

       Not looking for her at all, she came out of nowhere and took my world by storm. With all the constant rubbish going on in my head every minute of the day; the thousands of words passing through my consciousness daily; Mary-Jane slowed things down. She allowed me to notice things – I normally would have ignored. Everything about the regular normal days, made a little more sense. All the emotions and thoughts I felt all the time, electrified and slowly became clear. The everyday hustle and bustle, became an adventure instead of a task. Mary Jane, made good things great and bad things seem, not so bad. It became a part of me; numbing me to its effect. As a walking blunt, accidents where prone to happen; opening me up to the all-consuming high of prescription pills.

      My mind was ahead of me; looking for its next big high and in my time of stress it found pills. One day, I decided to stay awake watching TV, after popping a Percocet for my stomach ache. It was as if I was watching myself do things but, not really feeling or remembering anything. My eyes where open, I could see and do but, I was above it all watching down on it.  I watched for years, as the pills took control of every decision and thought of mine. One day, I had to watch as my entire world went into flames and there was nothing I could do. I didn’t ruin my life, I didn’t hit an all-time low and realized the dangers I faced; my family didn’t conduct an intervention; my God took the only thing in my life that made complete since. The one thing in my life that was a consent, the one thing that I knew would always hold me down and hold my hand – my mother. He had to show me that I was searching for all the wrong things; so he took the one thing that would wake me up; the one thing that would get my attention enough to see. Confused, hurting, consumed by pills, weed, and anything that would remove my thoughts; I cried out to him; my God and he answered.

       His answer to my call for something, anything, gave me the highest, high I’ve ever felt. The moment I realized the love and strength of my god. Standing in the Starbucks waiting for my “Grande Caramel Macchiato”, I fell in love for the first time in my life and experienced the best feeling I’ve ever had. One that rushes throughout your body and makes you fell full! Emotionally, physically and mentally – just full! It’s like little fireworks blasting off every second inside your entire body and the only thing you can do is cry! JOY, LOVE and Happiness, all in one! No longer did I have to find a high – I woke up with this feeling every day. It never left, I didn’t need to look for it; it was already there.

Maya Angelou said on Oprah the other day, “love liberates”. God liberated me with his love! 

Sunday, October 4, 2015

How Dare You

      It is totally the governments fault, that this guy committed this crime; for not having stricter laws against guns and gun ownership. This, according to the father of the gunman from the Oregon school shooting; Thursday, October 1, 2015. 

      He takes no blame for raising a child that would commit a massacre? Sure America needs to do something about its gun laws but, how did YOUR son acquire the idea to kill?

      As parents we are the first teachers to our children. We are the first people that make memorable impressions on our children and can do the most damage or greatness in that child’s life. At some point, we have to let those children that we raise, go; let them go into the world and hope that everything we taught them comes out better, better than we could have imagine. When an accomplishment is made by one of or all of our children, we want nothing more than credit for raising such a great person however; on the other side we never want to take the credit for raising this child if they accomplish a criminal or dangerous behavior or lifestyle.

      The father of this guy who committed this insane act against this community; needs to accept his part in that contribution to society.  I do not hate him, or his family; nor do I wish any harm or condemn them. Also, hope that this truth allows some obviously much needed healing in that family. As a member of society, with an opinion, I find it hard to believe that this tragedy was caused by the government and its lack of control over the guns in America. Do we need to do more damage control, when it comes down to gun control: Yes! Background checks, less production, real border control and stricter gun laws. Sure, it plays a part but, have we all forgotten that America is really one big ass community. We all play a part in this world, in the order that it was designed by the Great Divine! This father created, the son that committed the crime. My mother created the hurt woman that is climbing out of the ashes; learning and living and contributing knowledge, opinion and truth to her community. Just as the mother of President Lincoln, created the son that would become the President that freed the Slaves. Not comparing, this guy or myself to President Lincoln but, we all have parts in this community; in this world.

      Each and every one of us, remember moments in America, where we were when these event's happen. Majority of those moments are committed by people - we individually do not know at all but, they spark a change in the dynamic of the world, the course of the plan we or “you” thought you had. 9/11 brought more families together than anyone will ever know. Trayvon Martin brought a lot of families to their knees and the first Black President, elated the black race and culture. Things will happen, life will happen; what will be, will be. Your job is to use the greatest tools available to reach the high. Not heaven but, the high enlightenment, the divine.

      To understand your purpose and go after it with every strength in your body. You can then, put forth this purpose to raise up your family and community. We are all connected - were one of us ends, another one of us begins.