Tuesday, May 24, 2016


       God says the truth will set you free.  For years, I never understood what that meant because, whenever I have told the truth, I have gotten into trouble or punished.  What I learned today is he did not mean everyday truths.  He meant the truth staring you in your face; the truth that you can’t run from, the truth that makes us who are.  As, I come into my truth, not denying its importance or its relevance to make me a better person, I fear the overwhelming sadness that consumes me in my truth.  To see the pain I have caused so many or the hurt I have placed upon others because of my lack of control or understanding of this thing we call life.  To stand in my truth and not hide from the things that hurt me; to stand in my truth and admit that it was I all along and not someone, in my life pulling strings.

       Blaming everyone or everything in my life for my failures, has always been easy until this moment, the moment that all my truths have become a reality.  The truth that I can’t move passed my Mother’s death because of her; the truth that I can’t love people or be honest because of my Dad.  The truth that I cant keep an apartment or money because my wife doesn’t work.  The truth that I can’t stop smoking cigarettes because my Mother and Father did.  How I lose friends because they do not understand who I am.  It has always been everyone else, never Crystal.  When do I take responsibility for my failures?  When do I overcome the overwhelming saddens that has taken over my heart?  When does life become my reason to live and not something tangible, which allows me to think that I made the decision to live?  Every word I have written from here and prior always dealt with me making decisions because of something or someone else; I could never swallow the fact is, I made all these decision myself.  I hurt my friends, family myself; I use people myself, and I abuse the relationships I do have.  I could never understand that everything hinders on my actions, because I could never understand that Crystal and Crystal alone made these decisions. 

     I cant finish my book because it makes me sad to relive the decisions in my life that I made without anyone helping me, pushing me or threatening me.  I would say to my wife over and over again, when we got into arguments, that it is I.  All the issues we have that involve talking or making decisions that are wrong, it’s my fault and the sad thing is its true.  I can’t blame anyone for the crazy decisions I have made and that thought hurts me to the core. 

     I asked myself months ago, how I am upset with someone who is no longer here, but to be honest it is not her fault.  She did everything she knew how to give us a piece of this wonderful world.  She only wanted the best for us and she did what she thought was best.  I can’t blame her for not knowing and I can’t blame my Father for not stepping up.  However, I can blame myself; I can blame myself for allowing their misfortunes to keep me down.  I can blame myself for taking an escape goat from learning my real lessons and making truthful decisions.  I can blame me for not being strong enough to understand the problems I have created.  I can blame myself for putting roadblocks in front of myself for no reason at all.  

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Aren't We Equal?

       Last year on Twitter, I had a “conversation” with a man and I included Monique Worldwide, (twitter account), because the subject of the “conversation” involved a movie, she worked on.  The man said, “We never hated gay people but after watching @moniqueworldwide new movie “black bird” we have a NEW respect for gay people.  They’re people too.”  I included the man and a direct, to Monique Worldwide in my reply; “yes we are people, and we have blood running through our veins like you.  Hashtag, Duh, and hashtag really, hashtag get it together.”  In person, my eyes give me away, all the time; it is not any better, once my mouth opens, in print.  When I am passionate, I speak my feelings, and it is important for me to get the point across.  In my experience shock and aww appeals to people before sentiment, obviously, so it was no problem for me to start the conversation with that comment.  The goal of my, rigid attempt of sarcasm, aimed at hitting an emotion of someone else; once a response was given, was totally shock and aww.  It works both ways but, yet no one was willing to answer the question; what did he see us as?

       About a month ago, my wife and I went on a job interview together, first time for everything.  Well, we went to a Job Fair a week before this and my wife meet this person that works for a company, a funeral company.  This company was looking for two positions, one in-house, at the funeral home, making arrangements and others for walk-ins, the other is out-house, sort of, “your own manager” and you work with individuals wanting to purchase plots, for that time of life.  Of course, it was interesting to me, I mean, I went to college for business and over the last five years I have dipped into almost every industry and I definitely have experience with funerals.  I have planned and was present at five family funerals from 2011 to 2014, some with insurance, and others without insurance.  If there was one thing I knew, it is funerals.  We went into the interview and we sold the hell out of them.  My wife is a graphic designer and behind every creative idea, produce for my non-profit organization and my blog.  Myself, well, again, I have experience in almost every industry; not job hopping but, after about two years – there really is not anything more a company could provide me besides money and after everything I have been through, money is the least thing on my mind.  I am not a celebrity in any way however, I do know many people, old and young.  In addition, I also have my non-profit organization, which deals with people of all ages, and more ideas came out throughout the interview.  Halfway through the interview, this person was explaining, how this company would love to tap into the homosexual market; hire more minorities and more people in Washington, DC.  By the time we were done, it was clear, this person wants to hire us, because we will bring in the gays “first you get the gays, and then you get the girls.”  However, it is not comfortable being used for my sexual orientation or my skin color.  I wonder what this person thinks about gay people.  He now knows, we do not like being used? 

       On the other hand, I have, had the best of both worlds and not once, when I was in relationships with people of the other sex, did any one imply or question what we do in our sex life.  The first thing, people ask you, when you say you are gay, ALMOST, always, relates to sex.  I know it is true because, when I was younger; having thoughts about girls - the first thing that came to my mind when someone said homosexual or gay or anything relating to same sex; I thought of sex. Until I got in a relationship with a woman – I had no idea things would actually be the same, in many ways, just as a heterosexual relationship and the BEST part is – we have sex, just as often as normal couples.  My wife and I are not swinging around on sea-saw, licking the skin off one another.  For, crying aloud, we are married; it is not every day, it is when we want it – just like other couples.  We are not sitting in the house, stalking your daughters, and then devouring them, for everything they are worth.  Have you ever seen “To Catch a Homosexual?” 

       History shows us, the lines of discrimination; it teaches us that a group, which has been suppressed and victimized as, “mistakes from the womb,” will eventually demand freedom from suppression.  “We never hated black people.  But, after watching (bleep) new movie (bleep) we have a NEW respect for black people.  They’re people too.”  “We never hated Muslim people.  But after watching (bleep) new movie (bleep) we have a NEW respect for Muslim people.”  Blacks where considered, dirty stinking trash; Muslims are considered, dangerous religious nuts and Gays are seen as, toxic sexual magnetic that will still your children and rot their brains.  I was afraid of homosexuality growing up, because I was scared, God would burn me to ashes.  It is a “sin” to, lay with someone of the same sex, what is my family going to think, I will not be on the cheer-leading team any longer, after that.  Anytime the subject came up or someone whom appeared homosexual came around, I ran, turned the channel, or change the topic.  Living in fear of actually expressing yourself, is the worse feeling in the world.  Ask anyone, who was a slave or is Muslim, ask someone who is fat or has a handicap. 

 Ms. Monique, if that was directly you, who gave the response from Monique Worldwide on Twitter, during this conversation – I would like to make a few things know.  First, as I grew up – your ability to love yourself through it all, provided a possibility to me; “maybe I would not be as ugly, if I loved this amazing person – Me”.  So I did, I found the love for myself.  I laughed through my pain, with you a lot and I admire you for your drive to demand better and to require better. It is what required me to understand, the concept of, teaching others, how to treat you. I understood what the person said and I understood what, he gain from the movie.  My interest was to learn something and may be my approach was off however; the questions still stands – what do people see us as, since it is a surprise – to see us, as people?  By no means is, this an attack and I pray no one gets offended by anything said in this post.  I still adore you Ms. Monique and I truly appreciate you, taking us into the areas to open up the boundaries for homosexuality.  It is just, if we do not know, where those who reject homosexuality stand in their views or understanding of the relationship or concept of homosexuality, how can we change?  How can we truly live in a country where, an animal’s life is more important than a human life, where a woman can reject someone a constitutional right, because she believes their relationship is a “sin” based off her religious beliefs?  How do we live every day in a nation where preachers are requiring parents, to allow them to exorcise the demons of homosexuality out, of their child, by any means necessary? Where we deny; to our teeth fall out, “oh there’s no more racism” however; one which can hate someone, for something as simple as, your choice of people to fall in love with or why they choose to live their life, can just as easily hate another for the color of their skin.  I am NOT CALLING anyone, involved in this conversation racist, bigoted or ANYTHING else.  I am expressing my feelings about issues facing every day, a conversation I begin, with intentions to get the topic of homosexuality, out in front.  I was not expecting anyone to do anything other than answer a question I have.  

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Missing Your Mother? Me Too!

       Today, in almost 46 countries across the world, it is Mother’s Day. However; the majority of the remaining countries are in a normal day because they have either, already celebrated Mother’s Day or it has not come up yet. In America, where I live, it is Mother’s Day and my plan to escape this month, has not begin on a great note. Maybe I should move to, Ireland or the United Kingdom, that way, the day everyone celebrates Mother’s Day, will no longer be in the same month as, my Mother’s birthday. Every May, since I could use my hands, I couldn’t wait for May to come and go. I was fine with celebrating Mother’s Day but, then as soon as I blink, I was at it again, planning something else to show my Mother, in one way, how much I adored her and appreciate her. My bank account cried every year on May 1st, then again on December 1st. It is not easy getting, through these Holiday's without my Mother but especially on Mother's Day. This Holiday, is about appreciating your Mother, while she is still on earth however;  Mother's Day was created by an American woman, who created the day to celebrate and mourn her deceased Mother. She boycotted the traditional Mother's Day, we have now.    

        A friend of mine said maybe someone would get touched by my words and I want to share. There is absolutely nothing, in this world could replace, the comfort that comes from your Mother. This is the person who made the decision, in her life, at that moment, to bring this gift to light. She is the one, who gave up, her youth, her figure, her peace of mind, her total freedom, her ability to be selfish, more than once or twice a year. She is the person that the “Most High” chose to contribute, you to society.  She is the one, that knows when you are hurt and you could try every trick in the book, to make her not worry about you but, she’s Santa. She knows when you are sleeping, she knows when you’re awake, and she knows when you’ve been bad or good. She feels the pain when you hurt; she dedicated her life, to ensure your happiness.  She is still her. She is somewhere watching over you and everything you do. That’s not something from a psychic or anything after death, it is true. It is a fact, which our souls do not die; it is clear in the fact of dreams. If you are in a complete sleep, you dream, and then after some time you wake up, well when you die, you just do not wake up. However; it is the flesh, the body of you that wakes up, you where never sleep. Sleep, is something you need to get, for your physical body – your soul does not rest – rest for what, why is it tried? No one ever say’s there soul is tired, unless they are about to die and in that case, it is because the flesh is becoming a little too much for them and they have to let it go. 

       My Mother and your Mother is out there, somewhere, watching us and loving us. She understands, the decisions you are making, she understands the hurt that you feel, when you have sad moments, she is there at those times, when you want her and need her there. Our souls know it but, the flesh needs reassuring – that is why some turn to mediums or meditation. The connection you have with your Mother is never broken! The connection never dies, because if it did, you would not here her in songs. If the connection left, you would be able to stand Mother’s Day without crying or taking a moment. You would not smell her at the weirdest time’s or swear you heard her response to a question you asked, maybe to yourself or aloud. You would not feel her presence when you are in a certain place or space. You’d feel complete, every moment of your life because you would not miss the beat; the beat of life that is consumed with “Mommies”.  If today, was the day, she left you in the flesh – it will not hurt as much, it may not sting as much after a while however; everything will be different. Not bad, different but, different and I also can tell you – YOU WILL GET THREW!! I do not care how long it has been or how long it may seem; you will always miss her and pause sometimes, to reflect the love you shared with one another. The best part is you will be able to ravish in the blessing of life, and her choice to bring you here and share this amazing world with you.

Friday, May 6, 2016

My Life!

Mary J. Blidge said, "if you look in my life & see what I see." For years, I lived Mary J. Blidge, she spoke the words-I didn't want to admit. While I was growing up, Mary was my inspiration to be me and allow ppl to see me for who I was however; when I did that no one liked me. I couldn't get any real friends & majority of my time was spent alone. Being the fat, black Ugly girl, you weren't given that many opportunities. Go to school & become a lawyer, fall for a dead beat & build your life around them, or become something or someone you don't really want to be, for fame or attention. I TOTALLY understand, the desire to sale your soul, for recognition. 

I sold my soul, for popularity, in Junior high school. I was the trash talking, dont give a damn, kiss my ass, I do what I want; "Skinny bitches are evil" & "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard." Although, I was perceived, to have it all, many nights, I wanted to be out. For years I became the girl, every one needed or desired of me. Sure, I spoke my mind but, it was never real feelings because, if I let someone in for real- its toast. I could never manage my emotions so, I faked majority of those. My self-esteem was at a -.300 degrees. I hated everything about me, my complexion, my hair, my eyes are huge-Like Diana Ross was my mother. My stomach never stop growing and whenever I'd hint at my true character, I lost "friends" or pushed real ones away.  The worse thing, for me, was being alone. You wouldn't catch me taking random pictures, nor would you get a picture if me. Most pictures back then, I'm completely dolled up. I had to get prepared for a picture or to step outside.

This was still the case up until about three years ago. I finally seen myself, full frontal in front of a mirror & said DAMN! I had not seen this person-she got it gng on! Um so serious, it was as if We meet for the 1st & I was in love. Every chance I got or daily, um snapping pictures of myself. I asked my mother did I seem conceded & she said, "YES! But, its ok to love urself as long as your not vain!" I keep this thought with me daily! Finally in love with myself! I want to adore myself & be grateful of the blessings -He has bestowed upon me. On the flip side, the thing that hurts; the idea that I should be the next Kim Kardashian: because 99% of the pictures in my phone are of me. I was told, I should "make a picture book, because I'm full of myself." It took me 27 years, a lot of pain, trauma, damage and struggle, to love myself JUST AS I AM & CONT TO B GRATEFUL HE BLESSED ME WITH BEAUTY & BRAINS! THAT'S NOT VAIN-THATS PRIDE & I'm proud to b a child of The Most High & love the treasures, bestowed upon me. Keri Hilson said it best, "All eyes on me when I walk in, No question that this girl's a 10; Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful; My walk, my talk, the way I drip, It's not my fault, so please don't trip, Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful..."

Monday, May 2, 2016

You Are Racist-Stupid!!

      Sitting at my computer the other day and came across this video on YouTube, where a bunch of white Americans where asked how often, if ever, did they think about being white.  I thought it was a stupid question, until I begin to hear the answers: Never, not unless I am ask, if I am around a few Black people, Maybe twice in my life, etc.  I was stunned, how did they not think about being white, I think about being black almost every day.  Every black person I know, think about being black, at least once a week, if not once a day.  It completely caught my wife and I by storm, she was playing on her PlayStation and interrupted by, the response of these questions.  This older white woman, about late 40’s, was amused at how her and her husband, at age 20 something, walked into a bank, both without jobs and got approved for a bank loan for $104,000.00.  She could not believe they would give it to them, let alone so much.  Of course, they had plans and everything but, let a black couple go in the bank and ask for anything without a job or three jobs.  It obviously did not hit me or affect me until now, it was earlier, we did not watch the whole movie, and it was not that great, quality or anything however, the words sat in my mind, timelessly.  My non-profit organization has a campaign on Funrazr.com to raise funds for Back Packs for needed children, to return to school prepared for success.  Growing up it was hard for me to maintain school work, because I went without a lot of supplies and so do, so many others growing up today in poverty and TWF is putting together 27 fully stock Back Packs for 27 children.  The campaign begins, almost one month ago and there has only been one contributor.  Two weeks into the campaign, Prince the entertainer passed and a woman placed a crowdfound account online to raise funds, to attend his funeral.  She had already raised over $1,000.00.  The same people, who donated to her campaign, totally ignore the needs of children in our country.  She does not need the money to pay for someone’s funeral because she does not have it; no, she just needs the money to go to a funeral because she loved him more than life itself.  Of course, something is wrong with Americans, of course something is wrong with the foundation of our country. 

       When my friends and family, tried to tell me that this person, was just not that into me, I did not hear them.  I chased him for almost eight years, to the point where – to strangers, he was my boyfriend and we were on the verge of getting married.  I was about two shades away from the girl on the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You” the main character who stalked the guy at the bar; totally me, except we were in High School and not attending bars.  His cousin, who was a friend of mine, for years, would get me to talk to other boys.  My bff in high school, damn near pushed me into the arms of numerous other boys, to stop me from stressing over this one.  Everyone could see that he was clearly using me for sex and did not want anything to do with me publicly but I was in love.  I could not see ‘the calm before the storm’; I could not see, even though, it was going into five years and we only spoke on the phone maybe four times.  He passed away in 2007 and I did not admit I was in that relationship, alone for the entire time, until 2014.  Once they seen I did not listen to their advice about the situation, they stopped advising.  When I talked about him, they talked about somebody else; I brought up our issues, they brought up issues regarding something else.  It was a process but, why, why could my conscious mind not understand what my unconscious mind and everyone else knew, about the situation.  Was I that traumatized that I blocked out the parts of my brain that was required to understand the manipulation of him and the addiction to him?  It is the same part of my brain, which, cried out when I had to accept the truth of Thanksgiving and Christopher Columbus not discovering America, the part of my brain, which, did not switch on when the incident of September 11, 2001 occurred.  The part of my brain that is not willing to accept the trauma, of our United States Government murdering our United States President. 

        Each year in school, we learn how to represent resources.  We learn to present, when we gather information from other people, we are required to quote the information and cite it; we learn to verify our sources, and verify those sources against other sources.  When I conduct research on something, I never get all of my information from one source, and I have learned to take information at face value and look words up if, they do not appear to be use in the correct context.  I have seen thousands of videos about September 11, 2001.  I have read many news articles, books and spoke with people, some in detail about this topic; to them the most important issue is finding the information for yourself.  Specifically we learn to fact check, bibliography, work sites, quotation, and plagiarism – drummed in just as racism.  Yet, there are millions of American’s and some citizens in other countries whom do not believe these acts, acts of treason, could be taken out by the government – they all say the same thing, why, why would they do it?  The reason, to them, of course is even worse than the accusation.  I could not fathom, Bill Clinton, having extra marital affairs with a woman in the white house.  Let alone, his wife being ok with it and still not divorcing him.  Then, I could not believe George W. Bush would be able to steal the presidency and get away with it.  As I got older, the more my mind could absorb, the more the government was throwing at us.  After we embark on a War that would kill off majority of the driven individuals in this generation and the nation begin to open their eyes to police brutality, they made a Black man president.  Then they had to reintroduce slavery and Jim Crow to our children so, they made, The Butler and an accidental slave, their Hero.   

       If you, see racism in your world and you wake up every day and you do not think about, being (insert your race here), do you agree that, that action or lack of action, is a part of the system of racism?  If you, see racism in your world and you wake up every day and you think about being (insert your race here), do you agree that, that action or lack of action, is a part of the system of racism?  When you fill out applications or apply to get your license, you tell the worker you are a (insert your race here).  Proudly you love being (insert your race here), you cannot be blamed for loving the (insert your race here).  When you, teach your children about racism, what do you say – how do you explain the situations that occurred in our history?  We have not had that talk with our son however, he has seen The Butler, and he knows what being black is in America, he cried for Trayvon Martin and we could not be more certain that he will surely not do cocaine in America, thanks to CNN.  How do you explain the murder of Sandra Bland to your children?  How did you explain, Freddie Gray to your children, when they came home from school that afternoon?  How is a mother, doing her job, beating her kid’s ass for participating in riots, NEWS?  How is that a headline story, if you listen to her, she says, I just did what I would usually do.  Teaching your children right from wrong and expecting nothing less – is how black children raised.  We learned from our parents and our parents, parents.  Be respectful to elders, knowing your place, in any arena, not showing out in public, all those things they taught us because, they had to protect themselves from racism.  If they were ghetto or loud, or named their children LaQuesha, they would be displaced in society and their children would not have opportunities.  We have to do everything twice as hard because, our first impression with anyone is a lazy Negro, looking for handouts and expecting the world at their feet or they will take it. 

       The best part of racism is that it is in layers and it can change.  The biggest thing about this racism we have here is we are all under the impression that it is only towards minorities.  When I wrote the sentence above, Microsoft required me to capitalize Negro.  When I mentioned black or white people above, and now, it does not make me correct black or white.  Microsoft requires capitalization, for proper nouns, nouns, and person’s names.  It requires me to capitalize Jewish, Italian, Spanish, French etc.  When did all people born in America since the late or mid-twenties, become white or black.  White’s did not exist, until Jim Crow or round about, when Negro’s became citizens.  White people usually recognized as their actual race, Irish Americans, Jewish American etc., what happened?  We all became labels created by our government, white people, and black people – codes and or numbers in a system of others numbers.  

Why YOU SHOULD vote for Trump

We all know that September 11, 2001 was a 
“false flag” attack on American Citizens.  Sure, call me what you want and ignore that this is happening now and always have.  1941, Japan unleashed an all-out SURPRISE ATTACK at American citizens, on American soil.  A few days before Pearl Harbor, our then US President Eisenhower, ignored the warnings from Japan.  US CIA or intelligence agencies provided the President with detail information regarding an attack, from Japan on American soil.  President L B Johnson created a fake event in 1964 to create reason for Americans to enter the Vietnam War.  Now that it is years after the event, politicians working for the government, in the 60’s, all will tell you, yes.  They will admit the Vietnam War and the World War II involvement, set up by our government.  These people where called “conspiracy theorist” because, they shared information about the government, which the public was not to know and killed for that.  Somehow, it is a different story; or is it? Today their called whistle blowers and are promised safety.  They are no longer afraid to come forward, they were afraid to come forward, while this situation was taking place.  They completed the task, no matter how horrible, because their threaten.  I call BS, if you do not know these men, please look them up; Alex Jones and William Cooper.     

Bombarded with information about how corrupt the government is, even the politicians that continue to work for them will admit that our systems are corrupt.  However, does nothing to combat or fix the system.  How does a committee of elected officials; chosen by American citizens, allow seven men, to make decisions to drastically affect American citizens – and the only combat you have is to vote against?  How does a set of highly intelligent, extremely determine well-rounded individuals, who maintains the overall justice for America and its citizens, decide to give the Presidency to a man that did not win by votes.  Why is it that you can go to a country with, no running water and encounter happier people, than those back at home?  We are the richest country in the world, or use to be however; we were not and we still are not happy – not as individuals nor a country.  You know, people in other countries, laugh at us.  They think we are complete jokes because we have to know that this information, presented is fake or downright false.  Over the last 15-17 years, over 3,000 scientist were killed, die from suicide or accidental deaths; they were all speaking out of global warming.  It is a shame and they lost their life for this campaign against our life support, carbon.  Explain to me this, oil, the thing we use to heat up everything in our life; is provided to us naturally – all you have to do is get it from the grown.  How can one stake claim to a natural resource?  Water for instance, it is provided to us through the creation of this world, how can man, stake claim to a certain section of it?  If you make a set of jars using the oil, sure sale it; maybe you made a sweet tea using the water; great sale it but, that water is not yours. 

You ask why is this information important, because, if there is one 
thing, we have learned as Americans, it is no trusting politicians, yet still we do.  Repeatedly, we believe they will change something 
that will make a real effect on American lives.  Repeatedly they 
push the interest of their friends, who are other politicians in 
different arenas, and deny the constant disregard for human 
rights and citizenship in America.  

These same people are still playing to get in our white house, Sanders, Cruz, and Clinton.  They are so gun hoe to become the next President, they can taste it, is so close.  Politicians who for, the last at least 10 years, has allowed treason.  In addition, they will continue to maintain these actions, if/once elected into primary office.  Do not disregard this information or any information presented to you, that maybe too hard to believe.