God says the truth will set you free. For years, I never understood what that meant because, whenever I have told the truth, I have gotten into trouble or punished. What I learned today is he did not mean everyday truths. He meant the truth staring you in your face; the truth that you can’t run from, the truth that makes us who are. As, I come into my truth, not denying its importance or its relevance to make me a better person, I fear the overwhelming sadness that consumes me in my truth. To see the pain I have caused so many or the hurt I have placed upon others because of my lack of control or understanding of this thing we call life. To stand in my truth and not hide from the things that hurt me; to stand in my truth and admit that it was I all along and not someone, in my life pulling strings.
Blaming everyone or everything in my life for my failures, has always been easy until this moment, the moment that all my truths have become a reality. The truth that I can’t move passed my Mother’s death because of her; the truth that I can’t love people or be honest because of my Dad. The truth that I cant keep an apartment or money because my wife doesn’t work. The truth that I can’t stop smoking cigarettes because my Mother and Father did. How I lose friends because they do not understand who I am. It has always been everyone else, never Crystal. When do I take responsibility for my failures? When do I overcome the overwhelming saddens that has taken over my heart? When does life become my reason to live and not something tangible, which allows me to think that I made the decision to live? Every word I have written from here and prior always dealt with me making decisions because of something or someone else; I could never swallow the fact is, I made all these decision myself. I hurt my friends, family myself; I use people myself, and I abuse the relationships I do have. I could never understand that everything hinders on my actions, because I could never understand that Crystal and Crystal alone made these decisions.
I cant finish my book because it makes me sad to relive the decisions in my life that I made without anyone helping me, pushing me or threatening me. I would say to my wife over and over again, when we got into arguments, that it is I. All the issues we have that involve talking or making decisions that are wrong, it’s my fault and the sad thing is its true. I can’t blame anyone for the crazy decisions I have made and that thought hurts me to the core.
I asked myself months ago, how I am upset with someone who is no longer here, but to be honest it is not her fault. She did everything she knew how to give us a piece of this wonderful world. She only wanted the best for us and she did what she thought was best. I can’t blame her for not knowing and I can’t blame my Father for not stepping up. However, I can blame myself; I can blame myself for allowing their misfortunes to keep me down. I can blame myself for taking an escape goat from learning my real lessons and making truthful decisions. I can blame me for not being strong enough to understand the problems I have created. I can blame myself for putting roadblocks in front of myself for no reason at all.