Mary J. Blidge said, "if you look in my life & see what I see." For years, I lived Mary J. Blidge, she spoke the words-I didn't want to admit. While I was growing up, Mary was my inspiration to be me and allow ppl to see me for who I was however; when I did that no one liked me. I couldn't get any real friends & majority of my time was spent alone. Being the fat, black Ugly girl, you weren't given that many opportunities. Go to school & become a lawyer, fall for a dead beat & build your life around them, or become something or someone you don't really want to be, for fame or attention. I TOTALLY understand, the desire to sale your soul, for recognition.
I sold my soul, for popularity, in Junior high school. I was the trash talking, dont give a damn, kiss my ass, I do what I want; "Skinny bitches are evil" & "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard." Although, I was perceived, to have it all, many nights, I wanted to be out. For years I became the girl, every one needed or desired of me. Sure, I spoke my mind but, it was never real feelings because, if I let someone in for real- its toast. I could never manage my emotions so, I faked majority of those. My self-esteem was at a -.300 degrees. I hated everything about me, my complexion, my hair, my eyes are huge-Like Diana Ross was my mother. My stomach never stop growing and whenever I'd hint at my true character, I lost "friends" or pushed real ones away. The worse thing, for me, was being alone. You wouldn't catch me taking random pictures, nor would you get a picture if me. Most pictures back then, I'm completely dolled up. I had to get prepared for a picture or to step outside.
This was still the case up until about three years ago. I finally seen myself, full frontal in front of a mirror & said DAMN! I had not seen this person-she got it gng on! Um so serious, it was as if We meet for the 1st & I was in love. Every chance I got or daily, um snapping pictures of myself. I asked my mother did I seem conceded & she said, "YES! But, its ok to love urself as long as your not vain!" I keep this thought with me daily! Finally in love with myself! I want to adore myself & be grateful of the blessings -He has bestowed upon me. On the flip side, the thing that hurts; the idea that I should be the next Kim Kardashian: because 99% of the pictures in my phone are of me. I was told, I should "make a picture book, because I'm full of myself." It took me 27 years, a lot of pain, trauma, damage and struggle, to love myself JUST AS I AM & CONT TO B GRATEFUL HE BLESSED ME WITH BEAUTY & BRAINS! THAT'S NOT VAIN-THATS PRIDE & I'm proud to b a child of The Most High & love the treasures, bestowed upon me. Keri Hilson said it best, "All eyes on me when I walk in, No question that this girl's a 10; Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful; My walk, my talk, the way I drip, It's not my fault, so please don't trip, Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful..."