DEAR MOMMA

Dear Momma,

First off, I miss you deeply, your smile, your tone, your food, just you.  Every day I think about you, there is not a day that goes by, I do not think about you.  Think about where you are, what are you doing.  There have been days that I did not think about Aaron or Grannie but every day I think about you.  I think about your reaction to some of my recent actions, you laughing at some of the crazy things that have occurred.  I think about the moment I had my first child, I think about how you would be today, with Harmony; Troy’s daughter.  I think about, how everything you use to say to me has taken shape, I think about everything you taught me and everything you did not teach me.  I think about the last day I seen you, and how we always said, I love you and see you later and kissed.  It was so weird to me that we always did it but I never questioned it.  When you opened your arms, I fit like a glove.  I think about all the times you said, Crystal it is not the end of the world, you are going to grow into an amazing woman.  It will not matter what anybody says about you.”  I think about the time you taught me to wash up correctly, I know that sounds weird but you remember.  We were all rushing to go somewhere, Lydia and I in the shower, and then you came in to the bathroom and made us redo the wash clothes with soap.  You were like, “what yall washing with that little bit ass soap?” 

I think about the talk I needed to have with you, the words that needed to come out of my mouth, the pain that needed to heal but I truly believe that, that conversation would have torn us apart.  I could not see you any other way but, the way you made me see you.  I could not question the decisions you made because you would not have liked that.  I could not see the majority of my pain, in life, came through decisions or reactions evoke by you. 

“MY EYES WHERE CLOSE MOTHER!!!” 

My eyes where close, when Bruce molested me almost daily for a year. 

My eyes were close, when I would lay in the bed while you and Bruce had sex. 

My eyes where close when you did not require more of my father or yourself to provide better for us. 

My eyes were close when we lived in the trap house on Anacostia Road. 

My eyes were close when you tried to commit suicide and blamed it on your sister. 

My eyes were close when your latest boyfriend came on to me several times.

My eyes were close when you, went back to Bruce after we were taken from you; it may was not that long however; it was some time. 

My eyes were close when you wanted us back home so bad, to appease you and not for the better of us. 

My eyes were close to you living vicariously through me.  All my dreams where actually yours and all my happiness depended on the dreams you agreed. 

My eyes were close to your consent need to be important and paid back for coming into this world. 

YOUR eyes were close to the very, most important fact that; WE ARE ALL THEY WAY WE ARE, AARON DEAD, TOBAIS IN JAIL AND ME JUST NOW FIGURING OUT WHO I AM, because of you.  I know you are not the blame for our continued stupid mistakes.  However, you raised with a since of entitlement and the world does not work like that. 

My eyes where close when I was taking care of three households off one income.

My eyes where close when he took you out this world.

Claim to be

I cannot stand here and be the woman I claim to be and blame all of my hard times on you.

I cannot stand here and be the woman I claim to be and make you out to be a monster, too.

I cannot stand here and be the woman I claim to be and not forgive you.

I cannot stand here and be the woman I claim to be and not pull your cards, cause you always did for everyone else, boo. 

I cannot stand here and be the woman I claim to be and live defeated or take out my anger and frustration on you. 

I cannot stand here and be the woman I claim to be and never understand that we did not have a clue. 

I cannot stand here and be the woman I claim to be and not see the pain, anger, defeat, and stubbornness you held onto. 

I cannot stand here and be the woman I claim to be and not tell you how much I appreciate you!

       I can stand in all my accomplishments, in my struggle, in my gratitude, with my open heart, surrounded by love and blessings, testing my faith and baring it all, because of YOU!  A lot of things that are great and not so great about me, comes from you, some of it is engraved in me and some of it was taught; how can I not appreciate the people who made ME!  Before I understood my life’s purpose I could not understand why this life, I could not understand why I was born to you and George.  Nevertheless, as things became more and more clear, I understand, if I was not your daughter, I would not be as strong as I am, as dependent as I am, as outspoken as I am.  I would not have, had the pleasure to share and entire life with my big Bro; I would not know the amazing love of Most High, if my Grannie did not teach us.  I would not have the most amazing cousins, family, and extended family; I would not have known you. 

Nevertheless, I only have memories  

I still think about when we finally returned home and you took us to Sandy Point beach.  It was the absolute worst beach I have ever been to but we had so much fun!  Then as we drove back, people pulled over on the highway and got out there cars to watch the fireworks.  The highway was lit up; we were singing, dancing, and enjoying the fireworks. 

I think about, when I was pregnant with Lanae, you knew before me, 

I remember you not wanting to leave me that night, in the hospital, when we lost her. 

I remember sitting between your legs getting my hair done, every week. 

I was so happy when you finally gave me a perm!!! 

I think about, when we all went to the movies to see Jurassic Park; you were the only one who could have done that with 13-15 children but, we adored you!!!! 

I remember when you first meet Kodie he immediately ran to you and never left.

I think about how you bent over backwards to give me the best prom and graduation!

I think about cooking with you on Thanksgiving and Christmas; by the way, they have never been the same. 

I think about all the laughs we had, the time I made you watch Beaches and YOU LOVED IT!  J

I think about how you could not understand why I loved the Backstreet Boys but you got me there CD and a bunch of memorabilia for my birthday.  It took you a minute to find the stuff but you did. 

I remember the surprise movie trips or junk food binges.  The all night Martin marathons; you remember my 10^th grade sleepover?  It was crazy and I still cannot believe Nicole put a dent in Grannie’s car. 

I remember when my first monthly friend came and I was in North Carolina, you cried when I called you.  You missed that one moment in my life and it hurt you.

 

What If?

The thought that never goes away, is the thought of what if? 

What if Grannie did not go, what if Charlita and Great Grannie did not leave?

What if Aaron confided in us; what if we could all get the chance to say goodbye?

What if I move on and forget you?  

What if I wake up one day and never think about you; or forget our memories; what if?

What if I could go back in time and un-break your heart?

What if you decided to have an abortion and never thought twice about me?

What if it was me and not you?

It could go on forever but, my life would stop and I have already lost enough, I do not want to lose time as well.  I write this letter to you, Mother, to heal my wombs, to tell you I adore you.  To tell you that I do not hold any grudges against you.  To tell you how much I appreciate the great things you taught me.  I want to tell you, you where my first love and we all adored you to the moon and the heavens and back.  January 20, 2014 was not to be the day you left me.  The last past two years has been the hardest time of my life.  You and I were like the gay version of Bonnie and Clyde; it was us against the world.  Nothing is the same and I cannot understand it all.  When I lost you, I damn near lost everyone else.  Our family is non-existing and it hurts like hell, not to be able to tell you.  There is so much that I want to share with you , so much that I needed to tell you, so much that I could not tell you but, you’re not hear anymore.  I wonder everyday did I make you proud, did I do the things you wanted me to do, and did I turn out the way you planned?