Majority of my life I couldn’t remember a lot of years. I could only remember from ages 9/10 and up; and even some of those years got scrambled. Maybe it was because of the trauma I faced around that age, that everything before then was completely erased. No longer a memory in my brain – to much trauma to remember the good or bad times, of what was. The years went away as the hurt and the pain took over my body. The hatred for myself and the overwhelming desire or need to have someone pay attention to me. The years that I forgot were also a part of me, however. They also affected how I treated myself and others growing up. So, initially on this journey of me – I had to find those missing years and put them all together to understand who I was and who I was meant to be. In that, I decided to write a book.
Not only to put the things in order but, to exam all those important moments. The moments that shape who we are as people, the moments that we cherish forever. I begin my book; not as a book. I just started taking time to think about things and jotting them down as I went along. They weren’t in any type of order but, as I remembered them so did I remember things that never actually happened. Memories that I put in place of those lost memories to make myself seem important or to give myself a memory for that time period. As they came full force I begin to talk about the memories to my family and friends. They all said write a book – I’d read it; and so I did. And let me tell you, the process is much harder than it seems.
Taking all those thoughts, feelings, ideas, the pain and the sorrow and putting them in order and on paper; while also having them make since and come together, whew, it’s a process. I always wondered why it took so much to be a great writer but, mainly I now believe it takes drive and determination. Drive to finish the great work of art and determination to share all the crazy and secret aspects of your life. To leave a mark with someone else who may be going through similar things or someone who is warned before they get into similar experiences. Then on top of that you have to think about how to get the book to the world and how receptive one will be to your work of art. The entire time, Erykah Badu kept flashing through my mind; “I’m an artist and um sensitive about my shit!” I totally understand where she’s at with that; I won’t even let my wife read any of the book; it’s not finish and I don’t want her making judgments about an unfinished work of art. I don’t want anyone to hate my art, or dislike my art but, I also have to be realistic; there may be a few that dislike it. I have to remember; this book is not for me. It was; it was my way of getting my life in order but, the book, it’s turning out to be, for the world. It’s for someone who needs a little guidance, someone who’s looking for all the wrong things and don’t know that, that’s what they’re doing. It’s also for entertainment. My friends and family and I, have always said my life is like a Lifetime movie. As, I continued to put everything into my words, I got stopped by a daunting concern.
I have to have a title. What do you call your life, wrapped into almost 250+ pages? What do you, call all the blood, sweat and tears that happened to make this book what it is. Until it came to me one night. Talking to wife about what the purpose of the book would be; it popped into my head, just like the words came to me. I would tell you but, then it wouldn’t be a surprise. I’m still tweaking it a little but, it’s almost done and I couldn’t be more proud.
I hope you all are enjoying my blog. It is my release of information to the masses. It’s where I go when I need clarity or when I need to get something off my chest. It helps me put things into perspective and see things in different viewpoints. As a writer my words mean everything to me and I hope that one day or every day that someone reads my blog, it sparks something in them to do something great for themselves or someone else. My blog is part of my gift to the world and I am dying to know what you think. Add a comment or two and follow my blog. I hope to make a difference in your life; if it’s something you need!