I am an addict! I am addicted to anything that produces a chemical
reaction in my body.
From music to prescription pills; they all evoke some form
of chemical reaction in my brain. This reaction from my brain sends signals
throughout my body which causes effects such as, numbness to pulses
electrically moving throughout the blood stream. This intense feeling has
controlled my mind for years; always searching for the next high; the next big
wave of electrical pulses. Before I could utter the high of prescription pain
killers or experience the electrifying charge of a sexual organism, my high
came from music!
Such as the electrifying pulses that bang through your body
when you first hear the piano in Maze Ft. Frankie Beverly, ‘We are One” – or the
boom in your chess when you hear Biggie “Big Poppa” – or the tingle down your
spine when you hear Chaka “Through the Fire”. My first hit of music had me
hooked. Spending countless hours, just listening to music – all different
kinds, experiencing the countless chills and electric pulses made me yearn for
more and more. And soon when that high no longer electrified me; I had to find
something different. As my brain searched for higher pulses the music was no
longer creating; alcohol came into play.
The burn from the alcohol going down into my chest first
made my brain scream but, then it stopped hurting! Alcohol didn’t send
electrical pulses throughout my body; it made everything numb to pulses from
the exterior. Once I felt nothing, it
was a wrap. I could dance all night long, say things without regret and feel
like the Hulk, the entire time – no high was better than feeling nothing. It was
almost, as if I became invisible, no need to get high; what’s that? As with
everything else synthetic, it wore off and coming from out of the liquid
darkness – sent my body on a liquid frenzy! Liquid, literally comes out of
every place with a whole; ass, mouth, pussy, ears, nose…etc. The after affect,
caused me to step back from the alcohol. Which opened me up to this new thing;
organisms.
It’s the most indescribable feeling, one has. Being that I
was introduced to sex, too early and improper; my curiosity sent me to give
myself, my first organism. Time stops, everything stops in an instant; tingling
inside my bones begin from my feet and works its way up; my heart starts racing
and then it fills me up! As soon as the tingling reaches my brain – I EXPLODE!
Sounds come back, I gain consciousness and my body shakes. My mind now craved
that feeling. I wanted it morning, noon and night. In the quests for the best
organism ever, I found Mary-Jane!
Not looking for her at all, she came out of nowhere and took
my world by storm. With all the constant rubbish going on in my head every
minute of the day; the thousands of words passing through my consciousness
daily; Mary-Jane slowed things down. She allowed me to notice things – I normally
would have ignored. Everything about the regular normal days, made a little
more sense. All the emotions and thoughts I felt all the time, electrified and
slowly became clear. The everyday hustle and bustle, became an adventure
instead of a task. Mary Jane, made good things great and bad things seem, not
so bad. It became a part of me; numbing me to its effect. As a walking blunt,
accidents where prone to happen; opening me up to the all-consuming high of
prescription pills.
My
mind was ahead of me; looking for its next big high and in my time of stress it
found pills. One day, I decided to stay awake watching TV, after popping a
Percocet for my stomach ache. It was as if I was watching myself do things but,
not really feeling or remembering anything. My eyes where open, I could see and
do but, I was above it all watching down on it.
I watched for years, as the pills took control of every decision and
thought of mine. One day, I had to watch as my entire world went into flames
and there was nothing I could do. I didn’t ruin my life, I didn’t hit an all-time
low and realized the dangers I faced; my family didn’t conduct an intervention;
my God took the only thing in my life that made complete since. The one thing
in my life that was a consent, the one thing that I knew would always hold me
down and hold my hand – my mother. He had to show me that I was searching for
all the wrong things; so he took the one thing that would wake me up; the one
thing that would get my attention enough to see. Confused, hurting, consumed by
pills, weed, and anything that would remove my thoughts; I cried out to him; my
God and he answered.
His answer to my call for something, anything, gave me the
highest, high I’ve ever felt. The moment I realized the love and strength of my
god. Standing in the Starbucks waiting for my “Grande Caramel Macchiato”, I fell
in love for the first time in my life and experienced the best feeling I’ve
ever had. One that rushes throughout your body and makes you fell full! Emotionally,
physically and mentally – just full! It’s like little fireworks blasting off
every second inside your entire body and the only thing you can do is cry! JOY,
LOVE and Happiness, all in one! No longer did I have to find a high – I woke up
with this feeling every day. It never left, I didn’t need to look for it; it
was already there.
Maya Angelou said on Oprah the other day, “love liberates”.
God liberated me with his love!
